Grief: Finding the beat to your own drum

Grief is Unique as is managing its stages

Grief is as unique as a fingerprint. The odds of having the same fingerprints as someone else is 1 in 64 trillion. Grieving your child is just as unique because your child was like no other. The grieving process was observed by Dr.Kubler-Ross. She first came up with these stages of grief to describe the grieving process for terminally ill patients. However, as time went on people were able to see the similarities and the stages are as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Furthermore, these stages don't always present linearly and therefore every experience is different. With this in mind, individuals should be free to grieve their own way without judgment. 

My Process

When losing your child you will do anything to make the pain stop; We may ignore it, try to numb it, join groups, start foundations, go to therapy, sleep, work, shop, and everything in between. I tried anything and everything I thought would speed my grieving process along. I started looking online and trying to do what others have done to process their grief. I went to grief groups for parents, therapy, alcohol, photography, earning degrees, and more. I couldn't understand why I just couldn't push through. In life, I have always been able to bounce back but losing my child, was a beast like nothing I had ever encountered. 

Eventually, I had to sit with my feelings, that was the only way. I had to scream at God, and demand answers. I had to punish myself with alcohol because the grief was so heavy, I just wanted to be numb. Eventually, I went back to school and work trying to stay busy. I went to support groups and therapy and processed. I went into nature and took photos. I was trying to hold on to beauty and hope in this world because I had no hope inside. 

I did many things in this process, some I am proud of and some not (although not proud, needed at the time). All the moods, thoughts, and behaviors I had to navigate good and bad were all for my benefit as I found myself in the midst of it all. I had lost myself as many of us do. Being a mom (and a strong one) was my identity and I didn't know where to turn and felt so alone. However, I knew if I were to get through this I had to do it my way; beating to my own grieving drum. 

Story Time

Some people think there is a particular way to mourn and if you are not displaying certain behaviors then you are not grieving. See mourning is the outward display of grief and grieving is the internal process. I talked to this woman through a foundation I run in memory of my child called Filling Buckets for Brianna. Our foundation assists grieving caregivers that have lost a child (birth-18 years of age). This woman had taken on her nephew because her brother was not able and the mother of the child was an addict. A few days after the boy passed the brother was hanging out with friends at a concert. Her perspective was that he didn’t care but just wanted to get drunk with friends, she couldn’t understand why he wasn’t grieving/mourning like her. 

I talked to the brother and that was not his truth from his perspective. He explained how much regret he had and to sit in those feelings was too much to process at the time. He said he needed a “break” from the grieving (you know there’s never a true break) and being around friends was helpful and he felt supported. Everyone does not mourn the same way and grief manifests in so many ways: tears, no tears, return to work, quit a job, talk about the child, or never mention them again. Now although grief is not to be judged there are ways in which we mourn that can delay the grieving process. 

Some healthy ways to process grief

-Leaning on family- It can help you feel supported and connected, possibly helping you process your grief. Family is a great starting place but not available for everyone. 

–Seek professional help- Reaching out to someone that can provide tools can give you a different perspective and help you navigate your various emotions

-Accept help- Many times we tell others we are fine but we are far from okay and it is more than to accept help. If family or friends want to help with cooking, grocery shopping, run errands, watch your surviving child(ren) let them help, grieving is exhausting. 

-Avoid Negativity- Plenty of people will lack an empathy button and often may mean well but don't know what to say. They either say nothing, too much or something mistakenly offensive. It is okay to protect your emotions and not be around these people. Unfortunately, this may include family and friends. Put yourself around support and that may be joining a group on social media, sometimes strangers that have lost a child provide more understanding as they have endured the same type of pain. 

-Journaling/Creativity- Sometimes we can’t find solace in friends, family, or professionals. Journaling provides the opportunity to process your feelings by allowing you to get it out. Being creative allows us to connect with our emotions which normally can be difficult to identify or feel.

Getting Back into a Routine- Routines can provide comfort and a sense of security because you know what is coming. This is helpful for children as well when things go back to “normal.” It is important to note that the suggestion of returning to a routine is not to act like nothing catastrophic has happened but it is a form of healing. This routine may never be the same, it will more likely be a different routine and that’s okay. Starting a different routine doesn’t mean we are leaving our child behind forever but we are honoring them by embracing life. 

Conclusion

Bereavement is the time in the process when grieving and mourning take place. In bereavement, grieving is processed as differently as mourning is displayed. Others may have their opinions on how you process but honestly, that is their issue, not yours. Grief is beyond hard and not to be judged but be mindful that the way we mourn does impact the process and possibly delay or accelerate the process on some level. Try some of the healthy alternatives, it is the process where the healing is. As the saying goes  “The road of life twists and turns, and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” (Don WIlliams Jr)