Grief: Am I Crazy or is this Normal?

In this article, I would like to break down grief and help you to believe that if you’ve lost a child, the feelings that you are experiencing are normal. I know in the beginning of my grieving process, I felt like I was going crazy. Grief can come in waves, up and down and turn you sideways. Together I hope we can navigate these waters. Grief can be a complicated process. What works for one may not work for another, but one thing is needed no matter how you get to the other side and that is, being loving towards yourself from the beginning and if you’re further along in the process it’s never too late to start. 

What is Grief? The Differences of Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement

According to Webster's Dictionary, “deep and poignant distress is caused by or as if by bereavement” (Google.com, 2024). There is a difference between grieving and mourning. Grieving is the internal process, mourning is an external display, and bereavement is the time in which grief and mourning occurs (Bing.com, 2024) important to note that everyone mourns in their own way but that doesn’t mean they are not grieving. Some people cry, others don’t, some go right back to work, others quit their job and need time. No one should judge because we all process information and feelings differently and yet that does NOT equate an absence of love. 

I lost my father and other family members but in my experience as a grieving parent, this was not a normal pain. I appreciate that the definition includes distress because it is beyond pain, it is agony. When you lose your child, you are literally losing a part of yourself, they hold your DNA. People say they believe the hardest loss is that of a child but unless you have experienced it then you truly can't begin to understand the distress you endure. Please don't take this as ultimate doom and gloom but I think it is important to be honest and not sugarcoat the journey of a grieving parent.

In 2013, I lost my first-born daughter, Brianna. She was misdiagnosed by the hospital; they said she had a virus and to take her home and she would be fine. I took her home, the next morning I found she had passed away in her bedroom. To say I was devastated is an understatement. In the beginning, I remember feeling like I was going crazy. I felt like I was living in a dream, and nothing was real anymore. My sense of reality had been shattered. As parents, all that we are and do is for our children, so for me, if she no longer existed, the question becomes “what is it all for?” That was just the entrance of the rabbit hole when it came to understanding life, death, grief and everything in between.

The bottom line is I felt alone and like I was losing my mind. However, with this grief journey I found that what I was experiencing was normal. I had so many emotions that I couldn’t manage to deal with one at a time. They were constant and at the time I felt I lacked the skills to deal with these emotions. Some of the feelings I had were numb, confused, memory loss, anger, loneliness, unworthiness, depressed, anxious, guilt, and so much more. However, I was so used to suppressing my feelings that I convinced myself for a long time that if I let myself feel I may not come back, and they had to lock me away forever. Eventually, I had to face, feel, and get honest about losing my child. The consequences of pushing my feelings down were that they started pushing back.

Now honestly, this grief journey is not an easy one and there is no timeline for your healing. As we live, we are always learning so therefore always healing. Grief is intense and messy but for me what I notice is that the pain is no longer right on the surface where just to breathe hurt. As long as I battled with grief; refusing to walk with grief and essentially healing, the longer the pains intensity remained. 

How I walked (and am still walking) with Grief

Before I started walking with grief, I was either fighting or running from the grieving process. I had decided I didn’t deserve anything good. I deserved torture, I stayed for 9 ½ years in an abusive relationship, drinking almost every day, and gained unwanted weight (stopped caring for myself overall). The amount of punishment seemed like it was never enough. I blamed myself and to me this was the only way to atone for mythem daughter’s death, the guilt was crushing. Then when I decided with time and a better understanding of God, and myself to walk with grief. I realized how life was happening for me and not to me (I don’t expect this to be everyone’s experience). This in no way means I am okay with my daughter dying but it means it wasn’t all in vain. 

Fighting

I was angry and didn’t know where to turn it, so I placed my anger on God, others, and myself. This fight was more internal; I was fighting God and questioning His character, I was angry at others for being able to have kids, but I saved most of the anger for myself. I remember saying to God, “Everyone says you’re so loving and kind, but you allowed my child to die. How loving are you really?” His response was “Your daughter is experiencing unconditional love, joy, and peace and even in your anger, I still allow that to be your fate. So how loving am I really?” It reminded  am nscreaming into the storm but by morning had made peace with God. This answer calmed something in me; it wasn’t that I couldn’t question God but understanding who He is and his love for me allowed me to turn towards the path of healing. 

Running

When my daughter first passed, I was confused. Any other situation no matter how traumatic I was able to deal with and I had been through a lot in my life. However, this was a whole new unfamiliar experience that left me on the run. I ran to a relationship, drinking, school, work, gambling, food, anything I could do to feel something or nothing. Typically, I could think, laugh, or strategize my way out but nothing was working. Eventually no matter how far you run, you can’t outrun yourself. No matter where you go, there you are and it was time to stop running and start talk that walk with grief. 

The Walk

Lean into Grief

We all have our different walks, paces, and paths that lead to healing. The first thing I had to do was lean into grief. For me this looked like trying parent grief groups (Compassionate Friends), attending AA, exercising, journaling, going to therapy and doing the work, working on forgiving myself, and whatever else I could do. At first, although I was no longer running, I was speed walking. I was thinking “okay so if I do all this especially at the same time, it will speed up this process.” However, its not that cut and dry, healing takes time, and that timing is not up to us. We can make moves but that doesn’t mean it will move how you want and how fast; we have trauma, triggers, and people we can’t control and this all affects the walk. 

Do the Next Thing

The next thing I felt was needed, was to do something. I knew I had become immobilized, like many grieving parents. I was finding it hard to get up and find purpose in anything. I sat for almost a year like Bill Murray in the movie “Groundhog’s Day.” I was living the same day over and over, the day my daughter passed. Now take as much time as you need but for me if I didn’t move, I was going to crystallize in that moment. So, I enrolled in school, received two master’s degrees. I started a non-profit in memory of my daughter called “Filling Buckets for Brianna”, providing funeral costs (birth-18 years of age) and emotional support. For me, the next thing was to take the pain and be transparent so I could help others heal as well as myself. 

Conclusion

It’s a lot to try to fit the experience in one blog. I hope you stay with me, and we can support each other moving forward. I am no expert; I am only an expert at losing my child. Therefore, I am not here to tell you how to grieve. Grief is going to be messy and may have you questioning your whole world as you know it. Just know these feelings are normal and you are not crazy, you are grieving. If you are fighting, running, or whatever way you are mourning that is destructive consider taking off your gloves and track shoes and rest.