Grief: Got Guilt?
Objectives:
My experience with Guilt and Grief
The Illusion of Control
Signs of Guilt
Coping Skills Explored
Grief: Got Guilt?
It is normal to feel guilt after losing a child, this can be rational and/or irrational. The guilt is experienced for a number of reasons; failure to stop something (the could haves, would haves, and should haves), others feel guilt from the relief that may have been felt on some level from their sick child passing, Others have survivor's guilt, and more. Guilt is a defense mechanism that provides the illusion of control so one can feel safe. We will explore some coping skills that could help deal with grief. These positive coping skills have to be constantly used to see progress. I hope you will try out a few of the different coping skills to see what works for you.
In 2013, my daughter passed and one of the first emotions that hit me after shock was guilt. I used guilt as a form of control, as a distraction, and as a form of punishment. I have run and attended grief groups and one of the emotional themes I heard and saw most from parents was guilt. There are ways to let guilt go but we also have to be willing to let go of the illusion of control. My guilt was crushing, criminal (stealing hope), and seemed to be never ending. However, I began to realize as much responsibility I wanted to take in the situation it wasn’t mine and me holding onto the guilt was just me trying to feel like I had power to change the situation. The harsh reality that ultimately brought me freedom was that I did not have power over life and/or death, or she would be here.
Guilt the Illusion of Control
When suffering the loss of a child we often replay the scenario over and over. Guilt comes from a recognized lack of being able to manage the situation. For many of us, we are convinced that due to our actions or lack thereof we could have changed the results. This thinking is faulty, if we did have this power then our child(ren) would be with us. We did all we could with the information we had at the time. The hardest pill to swallow is that we don’t have control and so what does that mean not just in this situation but in all situations. I got to the point of understanding that life is happening for me not to me. Everyone’s path is different; I can only speak to what helped me and hope that it helps others.
In the beginning, the guilt was crushing, suffocating where I could barely breathe. I remember I kept reliving the day of my child’s passing over and over and it was exhausting. I felt like I was being punished for something, I wasn’t sure what I did that warranted this much agony, but I had resolved that I deserved it. At this point, I thought life was happening to me but even in tragedy I came to find it was happening for me. Also, that it was not all about me but I had a choice to let it consume me and destroy me or allow it to give me a new perspective on life and connect with others so we can assist each other while on our own individual paths of healing. This perspective has taken me time and is still being cultivated with plenty of pain but worth all the lessons, love, and growth that has come. I realized although the results will never change, I could be the change.
Signs of Guilt in Grief
When we think we dropped the ball and allowed our loved ones to die we often punish ourselves thinking it will atone for our “sins.” This can show up in many forms such as addiction, lack of self-care, social withdrawal, and more. Sadly, for many of us the healing journey starts with self-loathing and the violence towards ourselves (both external and internal) is evidence of the amount of guilt we hold. Sometimes those grieving turn to substances to alleviate guilt but there is often guilt associated with using and individuals can get caught in a vicious cycle. Lack of self-care associated with guilt displays self-punishment in ways such as but not limited to; not eating, overeating, not attending to hygiene, not getting resting, oversleeping, etc. Furthermore, social withdrawal is a form of self-punishment to some. They isolate and deal with feelings of shame and loneliness and believe they do not deserve connection or happiness.
There are many ways our guilt manifests when we are grieving. The door to forgiving oneself will not open until we realize no amount of damage, we do to ourselves (with either our berating internal critic overdoing their job or at our own hands causing damage on an external level) will change events. We have to be willing to come to that understanding to continue the process of healing. This is not an overnight occurrence; this is a commitment to sit in the most horrible reality. I am not giving any medical or psychological advice; I do not suggest exploring these intense emotions alone but with the support of a professional.
Coping Skills
Sit In Your Feelings- You have to feel in order to deal. When exploring guilt you may start with a question like “Is my guilt based in truth or in things that I feel I should have done?”
Writing- This is helpful when trying to process your feelings and thoughts. It allows you to express yourself without judgment. Also, it gives you the ability to look back and see growth on your journey. It can also lower stress levels and help develop new insight.
Taking Care of Yourself- It's important to take care of yourself especially when you feel you deserve to be punished, just waking up can be difficult. Showing yourself compassion on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level are ways to move forward on this healing journey.
Join Support Groups- I can help to be around others that know the pain associated with losing a child. These groups can be joined either in person or online. Support groups help you know what you are often feeling, thinking, and doing is more normal than you think. It may also help you identify if you may need to seek more professional help.
Therapy- Speaking to a professional can help you seek another perspective. In addition, addressing the root of your emotions like guilt can help you work on forgiving yourself. Guilt when grieving left unaddressed often leads to depression which can be more challenging to deal with without professional help.
Guilt is a natural emotion attached to the grieving process. We may at times feel the need to punish ourselves, but it is important to know that will not change the outcome. Be kind to yourself, this process takes time. Sometimes it feels like there’s not enough time and sometimes in the grieving process it feels like there is too much time. Please try different positive coping skills to move through these emotions of guilt. You will find what works for you and sometimes we have to go to a dark place to see the light within.
**Please call: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline if you need help!**
